[but] God doesn't love your story, He loves you.
To save your life, you'll have to lay down your stories, and minute by minute, day by day, give your life back to him...[and] Faith isn't about getting God to play a more and more central part in your story. Faith is about sacrificing your story on his altar.
-Letters to a Young Mormon, by Adam S. Miller
I've been thinking about this essay in Adam Miller's book a lot the last 9 months. That's when we found out that DMBA, Darik's insurance through his work, would start covering one limited cycle of IVF per family. I had just returned to school earlier that summer to complete my pre-requisites so I could apply for an MA in History. We were 6 years from being empty-nesters; I could get a job and we could pay off debt and travel and [sigh] we really loved our lives. I hadn't even considered having another baby since back in Virginia when an answer to prayer set me on a different path. I have not been baby hungry in over 5 years.
We had a lot to think about, and ultimately I decided that I didn't know what was on the other side of IVF, but just like 13 years ago the first time we did it - I didn't want to live my life regretting what might have been. So here we are. I am pregnant with twins. I have active lupus. I was so sick I couldn't get out of bed for all of May (Praise the Lord, I love Drugs!). I'm only 9 weeks along and I'm already bigger than I was with Eliza at 12 weeks. We hadn't planned to tell people for three more weeks but I can no longer hide my baby bump, especially from Rexburg primary kids (where I serve in my church). If there's one thing Rexburg primary kids know, it's what pregnant moms look like.
I am happy. I love babies and I love kids. But right now I'm not excited. Right now I'm anxious and nervous and mostly - just processing. I just presented my first paper on Mormon History at MHA. I don't know when I'll fit in my MA plans. But for those who have known me a long time, you might have noticed that God has always laughed at my plans for myself and then given me exactly the opposite of what I'd wanted. So, by all means, we accept your congratulations. Eliza will be a big sister of TWO. Darik and Eliza are excited. But just know I'm still....processing.