Monday, September 28, 2009

Tears for Sariah

So last weekend we went to the Anderson family reunion . . . and there was this moment where we were going around the circle and giving family updates. Well, one of D's cousins and her husband (married 1+ years) mentioned that they were baby hungry but they'd been trying for a while, and . . . nothing yet. And then they gave each other a look. That look is now permanently seared into my memory. It was THAT look. The "I've never known the depths of sorrow so intently as I feel my soul ripped from me inside out and upside down as I try to comprehend the fertility of drug addicts in a world such as ours, and at the same time continue to rely on God and figure out to trust him through this and . . . well, we have each other. We have each other's pain - and that makes it better to go through it together." I knew that look so well. It happens in the early years, during the trying to figure it out years. I knew I had been there and done that. But oh, how I hurt for them.

Well we got home on Sunday and I proceeded to prime and paint our basement the next few nights (after the kiddies went to sleep). And in a quiet house with a bucketful of white paint, well, you think a lot. And for some reason my mind dwelt on Abraham and Sariah. And on polygamy. Now when living near Nauvoo and thinking about the pioneers I've always had an unsettled feeling about polygamy. I know a lot of people feel that way but I've never been able to pinpoint why. Well, as I thought about Sariah - how the scriptures call her barren. How you KNOW Abraham and Sariah were SO close, SO in love. She was his one true love. I thought the pain they'd been through together over 60 years. And then comes Hagar. And this is where I just started crying; I was crying tears for Sariah. And I finally figured out why I couldn't do polygamy. Infertility isn't the easiest thing, but it's easier to go through it with someone with you - and when Abraham now had babies with Hagar. Ughh. To go through that alone is more than I could bear. To dream of have baby Abrahams/Dariks . . . and then to have to watch him make that dream a reality with another woman would be more than I could bear. At that point of painting my basement, with tears falling down my face - I knew I probably would have stayed in Nauvoo if that had been asked of me. But I was also grateful. Grateful that it isn't asked of me. Grateful to have my husband. Grateful to have my daughter. Grateful to have a blessed life filled with happiness and love.

Too often I think we (as in we I mean I) get in the 'competition of the worst trials'. I've heard of someone who's been divorced say to someone who's husband has died, "well at least he didn't choose to leave you." You've got to love the "Be glad you're not pregnant because . . . " And, well - when we compare our trials or try to make someone feel better about their trials by making them seem small - we condescend and belittle. I'd much rather have my lot than many out there. It's hard to be babyhungry of course, but oh am I blessed. And when I need to be reminded of that I go HERE. This is my friend Margie's blog. I was her visiting teacher in our college years @ BYUI and we were both accounting majors and she was really sweet. Her & her husband were SO cute together. And I ran into them via blog a year or two ago, living in Tucson - he's finishing his residency. Well, out of the blue her husband is diagnosed with lymphoma. He's OUR age. They have two young, gorgeous children. This blog she created is about their journey through cancer. Ryan is in the process of getting his bone marrow transplant scheduled. I love her blog. Her blog is a reminder of what is really important. And I'd invite you to follow along and offer your prayers along with everyone else's for them.

ps I know this is a little late but if you know of anyone who is a federal employee, they are able to donate leave to his account . . . . info is HERE.


  1. i need to make sure i have my tissues closer when i go blog surfing, you're amazing, i love you!

  2. Awesome post! I'm so happy we were able to make it to the reunion and see you guys!..and once again I love reading Ellie's quotes on the side..always makes my day!